Photo: Me
cause sometimes when you speak to the waves, they listen. when your feet touch the sand, it heals. when your lost heart tries to get some guidance it searches and follows the illuminated stars. when you need to breathe , the sky lends a hand and the rain helps transform your tears into raindrops.when you need answers , the ocean emerges and takes the pain away. then your gone. gone with the wind. perished with the sand and you become the very star you once wished upon.- me
It has been raining…. and for once in this whole summer, I feel at peace. I can cry. I’m maybe even inspired.
In all honesty, more than any other feeling of inspiration I have,the rain takes me back to the little blue and white house in a town where two of my favorite souls used to reside.
Nostalgia….
In Bangladesh, it is humid most of the time but it also rains quite a lot. Maybe in towns and villages more than the major city, Dhaka. I came here when i was about 4 years old and it was probably a leap of faith for my parents who were doing so well right where they were. Still , they dreamed of more for us. And so we took a plane and came halfway across this world. Sometimes I wonder, was it worth it? Are we doing any better? What if we had stayed? I miss it. I miss all my cousins and aunts. And most of all I miss my grandparents, who have both perished from this earth.
110208 080610~
Reminisce…
We went back to Bangladesh when I was about 7 years old, my sister was 11. And I was ecstatic. It was amazing to see my cousins and grandparents. I was so happy. I had the time of my life.We did so many fun things. I remember my grandma got a ripe coconut right off the tree for us and my sister, cousins, and I all drank out of the coconut with straws. My grandpa used to read to me in his room, his little sanctuary. I used to pass by his room and see his shadows through the white, see through curtain. the I ran around the mud and dipped my feet into the pond. I felt so carefree and free-spirited. Like a kite , making ribbons across the bright sunsetting sky. In my grandma’s house in Noakhali , Mysdi the current or electricity went out one night. We lit candles in the house and then went out to the porch. We laid there and watched the beautiful broad sky. We watched the stars. We dissolved into the night. I had never seen so many stars in NYC. I was taken. I was inspired. I was at peace. I was happy.
I also remember one of the days that I spent in my grandma’s backyard , it had started to rain. We were all soaked because the rain was so heavy. But we all decided to stay out in the rain and dance in the mud. I was barefoot and i think that was one of the most happiest moments of my life. I was with my cousins and grandma and I was just childish and in raw happiness.
Ever since then, my desire has been to dance barefoot in the rain.
Reality….
My grandparents came to America. So i did get to see them. I saw them once in 2007 and it was 3 months of great love. I was in bliss. To look into their eyes and just feel like wow, they’re here with me. I felt safe and i felt like they were safe and nothing could ever go wrong. They wanted us to go back to Bangladesh and spend a summer with them. We couldn’t go because we had a lot of stuff going on for the sake of our educations. I regret it. And I was wrong about things never going wrong. November of 2008 my grandfather passed away. I still remember the day. I fell on my knees and i’m still on my knees. Im on the edge and i’m broken.
-March 2009- My grandma came back to the United States. My grandpa was supposed to come but he didn’t make it. She was here with me. She was still that little woman with the big , strong , bellowing voice. I had her in my arms. She used to crawl up with me in my bed and she was just here. Alive. I held her hand. I felt her skin. She was alive. Its hard to accept that in one year everything is gone. My whole life did flash before my eyes. I dropped and begged and cried like a baby praying she would be okay. She wasn’t. She died. Its been about 19 days and I am trying to hide my feelings in the world around me. Trying to distract myself, but this is always on my mind. Or in the back of my head. I will feel guilty for being happy without them. My mom- i can’t look her.
I was so close with my grandma, shared so many moments.As i did, with my grandpa. And now theyre the stars I used to watch with them , in the night sky.
It feels just so fast that all this could have happened. Just yesterday they were here, the furniture is still the same …everything is the same. But i just am so shocked it really isn’t the same anymore.
I feel like we should have gone back. Now i have to go back and visit two graves…and it wont be the same. Not without them. It will rain when they’re here and it’ll rain when they’re gone, but i wont ever get to dance in the rain with my grandma or walk across town with an umbrella with my grandpa.
